TIME KEEPS MOVING FASTER AND FASTER
we're all hurtling toward the same inevitable demise. go blue.
Hey everybody,
Apologies for not writing last week. I took a red eye to Michigan where my college buddies and I defeated Father Time watched Michigan beat the brakes off Penn State. My big takeaways from Ann Arbor:
I feel old.
Penn State fans have awful facial hair. What’s going on in Happy Valley? Chinstrap city over there.
I’m pretty much freeballing this newsletter (it’s been a slow week) but let’s see where this goes:
Part 1: Three Things That Piqued My Interest, Made Me Laugh, And/or Precipitated a Text to the Homies
My friend (and noted legal scholar/2L) George sent me this cringe TikTok of some lawyer flexing his “legalese.”
Never mind how gross it is to have your assistant film you as you pretend to sound smart, I just love the little look he gives on “temerity” as if he hasn’t 1) preplanned his use of that word and 2) just crafted a meandering, borderline unintelligible sentence. To quote George, “If I got that email from someone at work I’d never talk to them again.”
Temerity.In you’re unfamiliar with Liver King, good for you. He’s this roided out Instagram grifter who pretends to eat an entirely raw diet to sell dietary supplements. His family is in on the ruse now and they’re in Dubai for the UFC card this weekend and wait a second … is that Lakeith Stanfield??
That guy looks just like him.
I couldn’t be more excited for Guillermo Del Toro’s Pinnochio. Not only is he a big sweetheart, he takes massive swings on projects and he’s at his best when he infuses darkness into children’s fantasy, as in Pan’s Labyrinth.
Look how happy he is with his puppet! Movie’s gonna rock.
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Part 2: Three Things That Happened To Me, Or: Things I Did Unto The World
I’ve been reading a hilarious book called How to Bullshit Your Way to #1 by Oobah Butler. He’s this English kid who turned the London shed (yes, shed) he and his girlfriend were living in into Trip Advisor’s #1 rated restaurant, despite not serving actual food. He’s the next Nathan Fielder.
Last night I got dinner with my ex-neighbor, Byron. I hope to make a short film about him called My Ex-Neighbor Byron. Hopefully more on that in the future. Do I have any filmmaking talent? We’ll find out!
I saw Chris Pine sitting at picnic table, double cheeked up on a Wednesday afternoon. This is where I would put a picture, if I had one. Which I totally don’t. Text me.
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Part 3: On My Calendar This Weekend
Very light weekend which is just fantastic. Michigan has its bye week which means we get two full weeks to consider Mel Tucker’s sweaty head.
Saturday, 4pm: Penguins @ Blue Jackets
It’s hard to get jonesed up about hockey in October. Maybe I’ll watch. Who knows? The Pens’ new reverse retro jerseys are pretty sweet, but at what point are we gonna run out of throwbacks? Like, the reason these are considered cool is because some designers in the 90s swung and missed. But we can’t have nostalgia in 20 years if we don’t try and fail now. We’re using up all our throwbacks! Just a thought.
Who am I kidding? I’ll watch.
Sunday, 5:20pm: Steelers @ Dolphins
The Steelers pulled off a veritable miracle last week, beating Tom Brady and his Buccaneers despite, like, half the Steelers sitting out with injury. This week we’re blessed with yet another miracle - a game that isn’t being played at 10 in the goddamn morning. A high school friend and I are throwing a little Pittsburgh-in-LA reunion with some folks I haven’t seen in years. We’ll be at the Cabo Cantina where, God willing, I’ll finally win Fan of the Week.
Kenny Pickett: win this Sunday Night game and show the country what’s up. If you do, the Steelers are somehow back in it. Do it.
Oh yeah, Creepy Mike Tirico is the SNF guy. People don’t forget!
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That’s pretty much it. I need a Halloween costume. If anyone has any bright ideas holla at me.
Take it away, Gene Wilder:
“A little nonsense, now and then, is relished by the wisest men.”
Best movie ever? Best movie ever.
- Jules